


Hold on to that part of me

by Luonnotar



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-10 00:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20126722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luonnotar/pseuds/Luonnotar
Summary: Every now and again, Johnny loses Ten





	Hold on to that part of me

**Author's Note:**

> My first NCT fic! I hope you enjoy it. Any type of feedback is welcome, but please note that English is not my first language.

#

Today is a bad day. Johnny can tell because Ten won't quite meet his eyes. They go about their morning routine in silence, washing up, making coffee, packing their lunches, and through it all it's like Ten is being extra careful to avoid physical contact with his partner, barely brushing against him in their tiny kitchen. Johnny knows that it wouldn't help to confront him about it. He understands. He would wait until his boyfriend is ready to talk. He tries to convey as much in their goodbye kiss as he leaves for work, which Ten returns, at least.

Later, during a coffee break, Johnny shoots him a quick text.

_ How are you feeling?_

The answer comes a few hours later, which Johnny expects as Ten has classes all morning.

_I'll be okay. Don't wait up for me, I'm having drinks with Kun._

Johnny doesn't push. He tries to keep his mind off it for the rest of the day. The presentation he's working on helps. Later, when he gets off work, grocery shopping helps too. But then he's back in the apartment, facing an evening by himself.

He has never felt any sort of resentment towards Ten for shutting him off like this when he's going through those episodes. It's mostly just worry about his partner's well-being. Ten had been quite open about his past back when they got together, in their early college days. He had told Johnny about his childhood, about his "difficult relationship with his parents," as he would diplomatically put it. He filled him in over the years with anecdotes, horrifying stories of abuse told in a detached tone that would suggest that it had all happened to somebody else. He had also warned Johnny that there would be times where he would need to be left alone. That thing would get complicated for him, emotionally, and that Johnny could not help. So, to the best of his ability, Johnny understood. He has learned to live with it, has learned not to take it personally and to give Ten space. Some days are a little harder than others, however.

Like tonight. He's not sure if Ten will show up at all. Sometimes he would just stay over at the apartment Kun shares with his girlfriend, sleeping on their sofa. Johnny is not jealous of Kun's relationship with Ten. They are childhood friends after all. Kun had been there during the worst years of Ten's life. He had witnessed the bruises on Ten's body. Had convinced him to talk to their school's counselor. Had shared his own room with Ten while social workers investigated his family environment. It was only natural that Ten would turn to his friend whenever memories of those dark times would resurface and take over. Johnny just needs to be patient.

He repeats that phrase like a mantra as he cooks himself a light dinner, then catches up on the legal drama he's been into lately. At around 9:30 PM, when he's done clearing out the dishes and still hasn't heard from Ten, he draws himself a bath.

Back when they started apartment-hunting, Johnny had insisted that getting a place with a bathtub large enough to fit his imposing frame was an absolute necessity. Baths were a sacred ritual for him. Nothing could bring him inner peace like feeling the water's heat pressing down on his skin, pulling him inwards, forcing him to focus. Ten would always tease him about wasting water just to get his skin all wrinkled when he could just shower, but he would join him sometimes.

Johnny reminisces about those first few weeks of living together while immersing his body in citrus-scented water, its temperature just warm enough to turn his limbs to jelly. He can’t help but smile when he remembers how frustrated he would get because Ten never bothered properly screwing caps on bottles and toothpaste tubes all the way around, and how Ten hated Johnny’s habit of sleeping with background music on. They had learned to compromise, though. Ten started making more of an effort with those pesky bottle caps, and Johnny bought him earplugs to wear for sleeping. They now have adjusted to each other in such a symbiotic way that being around Ten was like breathing for Johnny. Most days their lives seemed perfect. And then there were the odd days where Ten seemed out of Johnny's reach.

He's deep in his thoughts when he hears the front door being unlocked. He jumps a little in his bath and has to force himself to breathe and calm down. Ten is back. Whether he's ready to talk or not does not matter. He's back, with Johnny, in their home.

Johnny listens as Ten makes his way through their apartment. He's probably seen the light under the bathroom door because he almost immediately pushes it open. And smiles at Johnny. "I knew you'd be here," he says. He looks tired and a little flushed, probably from the alcohol. "Can I join you?" he doesn't wait for an answer and starts undressing right away.

Johnny can't help the grin that stretches his lips as he leans back and makes room for Ten. “As if you need to even ask.” Ten sighs contentedly as he settles between Johnny's drawn-up knees. Water sloshes a bit over the edge of the tub but neither seem to care. Johnny runs his hands over Ten's shoulders and down his arms and feels him shudder under his touch. He wants to ask but stops himself. Silence stretches for several minutes, as the bath water starts cooling down. Johnny moves to turn the faucet on when Ten speaks. "Did I tell you about my eighth birthday party? I must have, right?" Johnny says nothing, just presses a kiss against the back of Ten's neck.

Ten continues "I had woken up extra early that morning so I could help my mother decorate the living room for the party, before going to school. All my friends were coming over, and I had barely slept that night I was so excited. Too excited apparently, because I was making too much noise, arguing with her about the color of the balloons she was trying to hang up on the walls. It angered my father. He came downstairs screaming at me, tore the decorations down and slapped me twice. I remember crying during the entire walk to school, because I didn't know if the party was still on or if my father was going to cancel it, and also because my cheeks were red and swollen and my friends would ask about it and I was so ashamed." Ten exhales and leans back against Johnny's chest. "You would think my mother would have tried to comfort me but she did this thing she would always do, blaming me for making her life miserable. Hers."

He goes silent for a moment. Johnny doesn't quite know what to say, so he just focuses on keeping his breathing even. He knows this story, and a few others. But it still breaks his heart every time he hears it, especially with how candid Ten sounds.

Ten threads the fingers of their right hands together, just below the surface of the water, and continues "The party still happened. I apologized to my father, as usual, because my mother made me. My friends and I had a lot of fun. So it wasn't entirely a bad day. When you're that age I guess it doesn't seem like a big deal. It was nowhere near as bad as things could get, anyway. But for some reason I think about that specific day more than others." He chuckles, and there's no trace of sadness or bitterness there. Johnny wraps his free arm around Ten’s chest and holds him tight. Ten rests his head on Johnny's shoulder and stays silent for a while.

Then he continues, his voice barely a whisper: "And now I have to sort through those confusing, contradictory feelings. Why was I embarrassed? Why do I still feel shame from those memories after all this time? Why didn't he ever feel any remorse for what he did to me? People keep telling me things that my brain refuses to accept. I can't let go and move on. Like I’m frozen on the spot, still waiting for him to get me." His voice is starting to shake.

Ten takes a few deep breaths and says "She sent me another email, you know?" Johnny doesn't need to ask who. Ten's mother would periodically try to get in touch with her estranged son. Ten's depression would always worsen as a result. The last time he had been in either of his parents' presence was when he was fourteen years old. Twelve years later and neither party seems to have gotten closure over the fractured relationship.

"You'd think she would give up after not getting any answers all this time, but she's nothing if not stubborn. Or maybe desperate. It wasn't a nice e-mail, either. It's like she cannot operate outside of her guilt-inducing mechanism. It was always about her, how hard her life was, how worse I made it, how I should make it all better for her. I couldn't sleep that night. I kept thinking, wondering."

"You don't owe them anything." Johnny tries to soften the finality of words by pressing soft kisses to Ten's shoulder. It isn't his place to tell Ten how to feel or react, but he just can't let him go down that path. "They failed you and have no right to ask anything from you."

"No, I know," Ten says with a sigh. "My brain knows, at any rate. Other parts of me are still struggling with the concept, but I'm getting there." He raises their joined hands to her lips and kisses each one of Johnny's knuckles. "I'm sorry for putting you through this again." He shakes his head when Johnny tries to protest and continues "I know what you're going to say, but please listen. You don't deserve to be left in the dark like that. I'm trying to get better at this, at letting you in. It might still take a while, but don't think I'm not grateful for everything you've done."

“I haven’t done much” comes Johnny’s answer, in a voice so small he hardly recognizes it as his own. "You're here. You're with me. You will never hurt me. Just knowing that gives me so much strength. Maybe it's difficult for you to see it. But I guess you'll just have to take my word for it." Ten chuckles softly, then asks "We should go to bed. Your fingers are wrinkled enough for today." He cranes his neck and kisses Johnny on the lips, soft and tender.

Johnny returns the kiss, again and again, until he's out of breath, his heart overflowing with affection. He only stops to ask "Can we stay here for a little while?"

Ten answers with a smile, "Of course we can."


End file.
